This short play takes a break from being as dark as some of the other stories I’ve written. It’s mostly funny–or supposed to be anyway–taking a few shots at people trying to deal with an ongoing, likely religious apocalypse (but maybe not… I’m not ready to commit to that without further evidence). I even manage to take a swipe at sometimes insufferable atheists like myself.
I’m also including a PDF version with the hope that this will make my stories easier to read on, say, a phone or printed instead of on a computer monitor. While this exercise is primarily for my accountability, it sure would be nice to get some feedback, and making it easier for you to read could facilitate that.
So, without further ado…
An Atheist in an Apocalypse
7th Floor
SCENE
(TREVOR and GORDON barge into TREVOR’s darkened apartment. In the distance, there are sounds of SIRENS, the occasional EXPLOSION, and piercing SCREAMS. TREVOR stumbles to the couch, clearly shaken. GORDON slams the door shut, standing there holding it as if something is about to try to force its way though.)
TREVOR
(On the verge of losing it.)
Oh Jesus oh Jesus oh Jesus….
GORDON
It’s alright, Trevor. We’re safe, for now.
(Still, it takes him a moment to stop leaning on the door. He very clearly locks it before walking away.)
TREVOR
It’s most definitely not safe, Gordon.
GORDON
I don’t think we were followed. And we’re, what, seven floors up? Maybe we can just hunker down here until this all blows over.
(As if to contradict him, a loud EXPLOSION thunders in the distance.)
TREVOR
This isn’t blowing over, man. And, can I just say, that while I value our friendship and don’t usually like to say things like this to friends, but... I told you so.
GORDON
Um… You really didn’t.
TREVOR
Oh yes I did. I know we had our differences and all, and I was always glad that we could discuss those differences rationally, but clearly… clearly, you were wrong, and I was right.
GORDON
(Annoyed)
We don’t know that yet.
TREVOR
(Astounded)
What? Yes we do!
GORDON
No, we don’t.
TREVOR
(Gets up and walks up to GORDON.)
Dude. Literal gates to literal Hell have literally opened all over town! All over the God-damned world…
(Pauses)
Oh no.
(Crosses himself and looks to the sky)
Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t mean to take your name in vain!
GORDON
You’re not even Catholic, Trev.
TREVOR
What?
GORDON
The, uh, crossing yourself thing…
TREVOR
I’m covering my bases! Just like you should do, too.
GORDON
I’m not ready to jump to that conclusion just yet. Plus, Pascal’s Wager is kind of bullshit to begin with.
TREVOR
Pascal’s... Look, a fucking demon with bat wings and everything just flew off with Karen from HR!
GORDON
I don’t think we can label that thing as a “demon” just yet.
TREVOR
It called itself “the great demon A’zule, ruler of the plane of whips and knives!”
GORDON
And I can call myself “Gordon Powel, ruler of the Hooters on 5th and Main,” but I still don’t get to grope the waitresses.
(Beat)
Nobody liked Karen, anyway. If that was a demon, then you know she deserved to be carried off. She was responsible for cutting our benefits last year and she always microwaved her leftover crab cakes in the breakroom, remember?
TREVOR
From the place with the delicious po’ boys, I…
(Beat. Frustrated.)
Don’t change the subject! How are you holding on to this atheist thing, now!?
GORDON
Look, I admit that this is really, really unprecedented.
TREVOR
Thank you!
GORDON
But, I’m not willing to go whole-hog one way or the other until we’re a lot more certain of what’s happening.
TREVOR
(Gobsmacked)
Did… did you miss the part where I said that literal gates to Hell opened…
GORDON
“Gates” to somewhere opened, yes.
TREVOR
To Hell.
GORDON
So you say.
TREVOR
There was fire and screaming and…
(Frustrated)
Bat-winged demon…
(Stammering)
Plane of whips and knives!
GORDON
(Sighs)
Look. I’m not unreasonable. Assuming we survive this…
TREVOR
Assuming? We’re going to die and be judged for our sins!
GORDON
Maybe. But maybe not. So, assuming we survive this, I am most definitely going to be making a major reassessment.
TREVOR
Oh, well, he finally sees reason.
GORDON
It doesn’t mean I’ll be seeing your reason.
TREVOR
How can you not?
GORDON
There are and have been hundreds, if not thousands, of different religious views on this planet since mankind started wondering just what in hell—pardon the pun—made the thunder rumble. You can’t tell me that you know for 100% certain that all that out there…
(Waves vaguely at the window)
... is the Judeo-Christian version of the end of the world.
TREVOR
It seems pretty fucking close!
GORDON
Correct me if I’m wrong, but “pretty fucking close” doesn’t cut it with your god, right?
TREVOR
Well…
GORDON
So why are you so sure that you’re right?
TREVOR
Uh… demons?
GORDON
Do you know how many religions have something that is basically the same thing as “demons?”
TREVOR
Uh… two or three?
GORDON
Probably hundreds. If not thousands. Christianity. The Djin in Islam. Acheri. Empusa. Those college students that do the while live-action role-playing thing...
TREVOR
Okay! Okay! I get it. Oher people have demons.
GORDON
Which raises the question… how do you know that these demons out there are your demons?
TREVOR
(Aghast)
Does it fucking matter?!
GORDON
Maybe.
TREVOR
How so?
GORDON
If you’re wrong about one thing, then maybe you’re wrong about other things.
TREVOR
Is this really the time to be having this philosophical disagreement?
GORDON
If not now, then when?
TREVOR
Maybe when the goddamn end of the world isn’t happening?
GORDON
That might well be the perfect time. I mean, if the world is ending, then this is pretty much the only time to have this discussion.
TREVOR
Is that really…
GORDON
Look, it’s all the same to me.
TREVOR
Oh really.
GORDON
Yeah. Something terrible is happening out there, and whatever it is...
TREVOR
Revelations.
GORDON
Whatever it is, we’ve got to consider how we’re going to get through this.
TREVOR
By confessing our sins.
GORDON
If it’ll make you feel better.
TREVOR
I fucked your girlfriend.
GORDON
(Pausing)
Julia? Julia cheated on me with you?
(Shocked)
Oh man... I can’t deal with this right now.
(Sits down)
TREVOR
Oh, that you can’t deal with?
GORDON
(Upset)
No! Man, I thought we were friends! That’s not, quite frankly, very Christian of you!
TREVOR
(Aghast)
I thought it was “all the same to you?” Why do you suddenly care about how Christian I am?
GORDON
I just feel very betrayed. Why’d you tell me that?
TREVOR
I’m confessing my sins! You know, one of those things that makes me “Christian?”
GORDON
Well, maybe you should have picked a different sin. Traitor.
TREVOR
I have to do all the sins, man!
GORDON
So you th-
TREVOR
So I think, yes! And I have to forgive people.
GORDON
Well, I for one don’t think I can forgive you.
TREVOR
I don’t need your forgiveness.
GORDON
Well, that’s just rude. You’re the one who fucked my girlfriend.
TREVOR
Argh. Then I forgive you for having such bad taste in women.
GORDON
Woah, hey now! You know, as pissed as I am at Julie right now, it’s not like I own her, or anything. She’s responsible for her actions. She has agency. You’d do well to remember that when talking about women.
TREVOR
Geez, sorry.
GORDON
See? I’ll forgive you for that.
TREVOR
It’s… ugh!
(The door opens, and JULIA walks in, shaken.)
(GORDON and TREVOR both YELL.)
(JULIA YELLS.)
GORDON
Julia?
JULIA
(Awkward.)
Uh… hey, Gordon. What’re you doing here?
GORDON
What are you doing here? And how’d you get in? I locked the door.
JULIA
Uuuuuhhh…
TREVOR
She has a key.
JULIA
Trevor! Ix-nay on the e-kay.
TREVOR
He knows.
JULIA
What?
TREVOR
I had to confess my sins.
JULIA
Why?
GORDON
Trevor seems to think that this is the Christian end of the world.
JULIA
Oh. I guess I can see that. But it’s not.
TREVOR
I already had to explain about the plane of whips and knives.
JULIA
It’s not because we don’t have an apocalypse.
TREVOR
“We”?
JULIA
You know I’m Jewish, right? Anyway, there’s no apocalypse in Judaism. At least, not the mainstream versions of it.
GORDON
See? There’s another option.
TREVOR
Then what’s all that out there?
JULIA
Beats me. But, I mean, don’t take my advice; I’m a shitty Jew. I loves me a good bacon cheeseburger. Not shellfish, though… gross.
GORDON
Yeah, I never ate any of those. Sea bugs. Ugh.
TREVOR
I can’t believe this.
GORDON
That’s the spirit!
TREVOR
No! I can’t believe you two!
JULIA
Yeah… I mean, we probably were a pretty lousy couple, huh?
GORDON
I thought it was okay. Most of the time, anyway.
JULIA
Still, shit… I feel bad about the whole thing with me and Trevor.
GORDON
Well, it hurts, you know?
JULIA
I know. He wasn’t worth ruining “us,” for what it’s worth.
TREVOR
I’m right here!
JULIA
Oh… uh, sorry.
TREVOR
You’re forgiven.
(Excited)
Yes! One down!
GORDON
Well… um… I’m not perfect either.
JULIA
What do you mean?
GORDON
You remember Sally? From the office party last year?
JULIA
(Shocked)
No!
(There’s and EXPLOSION outside, someone SCREAMS in the distance, and something else GROWLS and ROARS.)
TREVOR
(Exasperated)
You know what? Fine. You both have this thing out, but…
(Beat)
Wait, Sally from the call center?
GORDON
Yeah.
TREVOR
Nice.
(They fist bump)
JULIA
Pigs.
GORDON
It was just the one time, I promise. And, I mean, we were having that argument over moving in together.
JULIA
I really wasn’t ready for that.
GORDON
And I was, but I wasn’t listening to your concerns. I got angry and made a mistake.
JULIA
I think we’ve both fucked up, huh?
TREVOR
What the hell is going on here?
(The POWER teeters on the edge of going out as more EXPLOSIONS rumble. The orange and yellow of not-too-distant fire flicker in the window.)
GORDON
Yeah. Can you forgive me?
JULIA
(Beat)
Yes. Can you forgive me?
GORDON
I already have.
TREVOR
(SLOW CLAPS)
Wonderful. You two made up. All is well. Can we please get back to the issue at hand? The-
(He is cut off as an intense light hits JULIA)
What… what is that?
JULIA
Wow, that feels warm. And… peaceful.
(Another hits GORDON.)
GORDON
Oh wow, that does feel nice.
TREVOR
No…
JULIA
I think…
TREVOR
No, no, no…
GORDON
Well, guess I was wrong. Hey Trev? I was-
(The lights all go off for a moment, and when they come back, GORDON and JULIA are gone.)
(TREVOR, incredulous, is momentarily speechless.)
TREVOR
Where’s my light?
(Looks up to the ceiling)
Where’s my light!?
A’ZULE
(OFFSTAGE, booming, evil demon voice)
There is no light for you, sinner!
TREVOR
What? No! I was a good Christian! I went to church! What sins did I commit that I can’t be forgiven for?
A’ZULE
(OFFSTAGE)
Your love of shrimp po’ boys! Eating shellfish is the only unforgivable sin!
(LAUGHS evilly)
TREVOR
What?
A’ZULE
Enjoy the plane of whips and knives!
(More evil LAUGHTER)
(A TRAP DOOR opening to red lights opens below him, and he falls.)
TREVOR
Noooooooooo!
THE END