Bonus Post: IT the Musical Part 2 – Love Never Floats, The Breakthrough Follow-up from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Ego

Well, hello there, few but constant readers. I’ve got an extra posting for this week (a non-regular 26 Stories week); a play that I wrote in less than 12 hours from random parameters and handed off to a director and four actors to produce in the Twelfth iteration of the Spontaneous Smattering, a 24-hour play festival/contest/charity drive. For my part, I received the genre “musical,” which I ensured that I would get by saying “gee, I hope I don’t get musical” right before drawing. Balls. I also had to include a specific line (“I love/hate you more than [person] loves/hates [thing, activity, etc.]” and a reference to myself, which is why you’ll see my name listed at the end (it’s not simply vanity, promise).

While IT the Musical Part 2 – Love Never Floats, The Breakthrough Follow-up from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Ego (yes, that’s the full title) didn’t manage to win any awards, it was still fun to write and fun to be a part of. I’m including it here in the state it was in when I turned it in: I haven’t gone back over it to clear up typos, punch-up jokes that didn’t land, or anything (there are some wonky formatting issues when I have several characters talk at the same time, but I can’t figure out how to fix it at the moment).

Enjoy!

IT Musical Cast and Writer

IT the Musical 2 Cast and Writer (I’m behind the clown)

 

 

 

IT,​​ The Musical: Part 2 – Love Never Floats

The Breakthrough​​ Follow-up​​ from​​ Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Ego

By

Ben Plopper

 

 

From Spontaneous Smattering XII: Nine Past Midnight

Performed July​​ 28, 2018

CHARACTERS

 

POUNDFOOLISH. Female. Age: Eternal horror without end who doesn’t look a day over 25​​ (fabulous!)​​ – An Evil Fear Clown, POUNDFOOLISH​​ unfavorably compares herself to​​ Pennywise of IT fame (who does not appear in this musical). She feasts on the fears of adults, which are considerably more boring than the fears of children. She has a low opinion of herself; she’ll never live up to Pennywise​​ in her eyes.​​ 

 

CHUCK.​​ Male. Age:​​ Late 30s​​ ​​ Meets​​ POUNDFOOLISH and feels a connection, man. He’s sympathetic, as he shares some of her fears about not living up to his potential (even though​​ his potential doesn’t involve eating people marinated in their own fear juices).

 

OLD​​ CHUCK​​ – Male, 60s: An older version of CHUCK who has been summoned to demonstrate CHUCK’s adult fears (like 401Ks​​ tanking​​ and ear-hair and such). A cranky old man, OLD CHUCK yells all the time.

 

THE FORMLESS​​ LIVING BLACKNESS​​ THAT SPAWNED POUNDFOOLISH​​ IN A DIMENSION OF PURE CHAOS AND FEAR (we’ll call this cosmological horror “DAD” for short)​​ – Age, gender… kind of unimportant.​​ Male works. Something terrifying and inhuman, no doubt. Maybe something with tentacles. Tentacles are cool.

 

MUSICAL NUMBERS

  • Pennywise/Poundfoolish

  • The Adult Fear Song

  • I Couldn’t Be Prouder of my Existential Horror of a Daughter

  • I Could be Afraid of You

  • Pennywise/Poundfoolish (Reprise)

 

SETTING

A spooky street at night. See if Onstage has a street lamp and, like, a park bench. And a bush. And that wicked awesome tree back there. I love that tree.

 

PROPS

Evil clown mask and outfit. A balloon would be sweet, too. A cane or walker for old CHUCK Otherwise, go nuts.​​ And tentacles.​​ 

 

SCENE

 

(CHUCK is walking down the street, nervous. As he gets halfway across the stage, POUNDFOOLISH creeps up​​ behind him.​​ POUNDFOOLISH LAUGHS in an evil clown way.)

(CHUCK turns and YELLS, and then…)

 

CHUCK

Dear god! I… you shouldn’t do that!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

(Kind of doing the IT voice from the movies, please have watched the recent movies)

Do what, Ch-ch-ch-chucky? Scare you? Are you scared, Chhhhhhhhucky?

 

CHUCK

Yeah, you startled me. I swear, you “evil clown” pranksters are really getting out of hand.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

(Normal voice, normal body language)

What?​​ Goddamn it! Not​​ those​​ guys.

 

CHUCK

What guys?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

(Annoyed)

The clown dress-up guys. They really chap my hide!

 

CHUCK

Chap your hide?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Goddamn cultural appropriation is what that is! Bunch of preppy white assholes who think that it’s “cool” to dress up like an evil​​ fear​​ clown.​​ Look, unless you’re an actual evil fear clown, who grew up in evil fear clown culture, dressing up like an evil fear clown is pretty​​ goddamn​​ insensitive.

 

CHUCK

Oh my god, you’re a​​ real​​ evil fear clown!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

In the powdery white flesh paint.

 

CHUCK

Like Pennywise!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

No, I’m… I’m Poundfoolish. It’s a play on… nevermind.

(Sighs, dejected)

I could never be​​ like Pennywise.​​ 

 

CHUCK

What do you mean?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Pennywise is just so amazing. Did you know he specialized in pre- and post-adolescent fear feasting?​​ Kids have such great fears to play off. I wish I could be as great as Pennywise.

 

Song: Pennywise/Poundfoolish

POUNDFOOLISH

He’s​​ a​​ penny​​ wise, and I’m a pound foolish

He eats little kids, which some think is ghoulish

But he is a world apart…

He’s sunk his fangs deep in my heart!

 

He’s got a collection of toddlers’ arms,

He’s got all the moves, that dance, and the charms.

His fear generation is second to none,

My fear isn’t nearly that fuuuuuuun!

Adult fears are different, boring, and bland.

They​​ don’t fear the dark, werewolves, or quicksand.

 

CHUCK

It is less of a danger than I was led to believe as a kid.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Their fears​​ are practical​​ and grounded in truth,

Adults are​​ old and have nothing to… uh… looth?

 

CHUCK

But wait a minute, I certainly have fears.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Yeah, but they’re not all that great.

 

CHUCK

What do you mean?

(POUNDFOOLISH shrugs)

Okay, try it out on me.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

What?

 

CHUCK

Do your fear juju on me.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Really?

(CHUCK nods)

Well, okay. I have to do a dance, first.

(CHUCK gives her space)

It’s not as good as Pennywise’s, but…

(Clear’s throat)

(Does a really awkward dance that maybe ends with jazz hands or something)

 

CHUCK

Is that it?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Wait​​ for it…

(OLD CHUCK hobbles onstage)

 

CHUCK

AAAAH!

 

OLD CHUCK

AAAAAH!

 

CHUCK

Who​​ the hell is that?

 

OLD CHUCK

I’m you! Only old! I’m your (spooky voice)​​ “greatest fears!”

 

CHUCK

(Suddenly blasé)

What, that I’ll get old?​​ Everyone​​ gets old. I’m not in my 20s anymore.​​ I’m not naïve.

 

OLD CHUCK

No!

 

Song: The Adult Fear Song

 

OLD CHUCK

I’ve come to tell you, sonny, that you never will retire!

 

CHUCK

What?

 

OLD CHUCK

I’ve come to show you, kiddo, that my hemorrhoids are on fire!

 

CHUCK​​ 

Not that!

 

OLD CHUCK

I pee ten times a night and Viagra doesn’t work!

I’m on the HOA and they all think I’m a jerk!

 

 

CHUCK

Gah!

 

OLD CHUCK

My kids got liberal arts degrees, they’ll never leave the house!

My daughter’s into furries, she’s​​ fucking​​ Mickey Mouse!

My 401K’s in the shitter,

Donald Trump is still on Twitter,

And president for liiiiiiiiiiife!

(CHUCK SCREAMS)

Did I mention when I take a shit, it feel just like a knife?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

See? That’s not that bad.

 

CHUCK

Not that bad?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Relatively speaking. It’s no “deadlights, cosmic spider,​​ sinks full of blood.”

 

CHUCK

I guess that’s true. I mean…

(Pauses, noticing OLD CHUCK)

Is… is he going to stick around.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

It’s kind of hard to turn off once you start it.

 

OLD CHUCK

Your somewhat simple​​ medical​​ procedure is out of network and will cost a fortune!

 

CHUCK

Stop that!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Sorry.

 

CHUCK

No,​​ you​​ don’t​​ have to​​ apologize. Honestly, I think you’re selling yourself short.​​ 

 

POUNDFOOLISH

You do?

 

CHUCK

That was all pretty fucking terrifying.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

I don’t know.

(She turns away)

 

CHUCK

(Gently reaches out and turns her head toward him)

Poundfoolish, I have a question for​​ you.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

(Taken aback)

You do?

 

CHUCK

What are​​ your​​ fears?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

(Gasps)

No one has ever asked me that.

 

CHUCK

Well, it’s about time someone did.

 

OLD CHUCK

(Yelling)

Marriage​​ truly is too much of a commitment!

 

CHUCK​​  POUNDFOOLISH

What?What?

 

OLD CHUCK

You’ll​​ throw your independence away!​​ You can’t do anything you want!

 

CHUCK

Shut up.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

What are…​​ my​​ fears?

 

CHUCK

(Back to her)

Yes.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

I… I have to do the dance again, so…

(CHUCK moves off)

(She does the dance ending with the Jazz hands)

(Suddenly, THE FORMLESS LIVING BLACKNESS THAT SPAWNED POUNDFOOLISH IN A DIMENSION OF PURE CHAOS AND FEAR appears!)

(CHUCK and OLD CHUCK begin to scream)

 

OLD CHUCK

(Yelling)

I hate you more than​​ your future wife​​ hates​​ your awkward scheduled Wednesday night sex!

 

THE FORMLESS LIVING BLACKNESS THAT SPAWNED POUNDFOOLISH IN A DIMENSION OF PURE CHAOS AND FEAR

(Booming)

I have come to spread sorrow and misery and chaos to all!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Daddy?!

 

DAD

Oh, hey kiddo!​​ What’s up?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

What​​ are you doing here?

 

DAD

(Booming)

I was summoned!

 

CHUCK

He was summoned when you did your fear dance,​​ because your fears are probably rooted in-

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Yeah, I get it.​​ You’re not my therapist.​​ Shut up.

 

OLD CHUCK

She’s friend-zoning you!

 

CHUCK

Would you go away?

 

OLD CHUCK

I will stick around longer than your student loans! Which is really fucking long!

 

DAD

Aw,​​ did you fear-summon me, pumpkin pie?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

I… well…

 

DAD

(Puts a comforting tentacle around his little girl)

Sweetie… you can tell me. Is something wrong?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Ah geez, I dunno.​​ I guess… I guess I’m​​ afraid I’m​​ not living up to the expectations set by you and that horrible screeching,​​ bulbous, multi-dimensional hag​​ that is​​ mom.

 

CHUCK

That’s not very nice​​ to say about your mom.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

No, my mom is​​ actually​​ a screeching,​​ bulbous, multi-dimensional hag.​​ 

 

CHUCK

Oh.

 

DAD

Hey…

(He lifts​​ POUNDFOOLISH’s​​ chin up)

You always know that daddy loves you, right? No matter what?

 

Song:​​ I Couldn’t Be Prouder of my Existential Horror of a Daughter

 

DAD

I know that sometimes, in the deep, shrieking void,

That things can seem difficult and bleak.

But when the universe, in its infinite fear,

Tries to make you weak…

 

I couldn’t be prouder​​ of my existential horror of a daughter!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Awwww!

 

DAD

I share your triumphs and your despair,

I​​ still​​ laugh at your silly hair!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Daddy!

 

DAD

No, I couldn’t be prouder​​ of my existential horror of a daughter!

You have come so very far,

From when you were a little (Guttural noises, like “blothgarrothhagnarar” or something)

So be fervent in all​​ that​​ you seek,

Eat the​​ supple​​ flesh of the weak.

Your hideous mother and I​​ are​​ so proud!

 

So go forth into the slaughter, my existential horror of a daughter…

I love you, and always wiiiiiiillll!

 

CHUCK

That’s so sweet.

 

OLD CHUCK

You’ll never be that good of a father!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Go away!

(She points at​​ OLD CHUCK, and he SCREAMS, retreating off stage)

 

CHUCK

Thank you.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

You know he’s you, right?​​ I mean, he’s​​ rooted in reality.​​ Those are your legitimate fears, which are kind of telling.

 

DAD

Hey​​ my bumblebee, who’s​​ your friend?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Oh, he’s just a guy, dad.

 

CHUCK

(Takes her arm)

No… not just a guy.

 

Song:​​ I Could Be Afraid of You

 

CHUCK

I’m a guy, who is afraid, of what you are.

I’m a guy, who worships you, from afaaaar…

 

(Speaking)

Very far​​ because you’re terrifying​​ and your dad is a formless living blackness spawned from a dimension of pure chaos and fear.

(POUNDFOOLISH laughs​​ a​​ lovey-dovey laugh)

 

You’ve shown me my fears and​​ extracted​​ my​​ screams,

You’ve crushed all my hopes, and​​ squashed all​​ my dreeeeeaaaaams!

 

I could be afraid of you,

I could forever live in terror of you.

You could haunt me forever,

And​​ eat me whenever,

And I would be happy and true.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

(Happy and playful)

Stop it.

 

CHUCK

I could always be afraid of yooooouu!

 

Song: Pennywise/Poundfoolish (Refrain)

 

POUNDFOOLISH

You’re penny-wise….

 

CHUCK

And I am​​ a​​ pound-foolish….

 

CHUCKPOUNDFOOLISH

I could always be afraid​​ of you…I can​​ always​​ cause​​ fear​​ in you…

​​ (They kiss… it’s a little gross, unless you’re into clown stuff, then I suppose it’s okay...​​ I don’t mean to kink-shame.)

 

DAD

So…​​ again… who is this guy?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Oh daddy.

 

DAD

No, really. I mean, I hate to be “that dad” who treats his daughter like something to be won or earned, like a piece of property, but really… is this guy a​​ normal​​ human?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Don’t judge, dad.

 

DAD

Oh, I’m not. I’m cool with it. I just…​​ are going to eat him sometime or what?

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Of course.

 

CHUCK

Huh?

 

OLD CHUCK

(Popping in from off stage)

I told you​​ this was a mistake!

 

CHUCKPOUNDFOOLISHDAD

Shut up!Shut up!Shut up!

 

POUNDFOOLISH

I mean, I’m a bit full. I ate some guy already.​​ Some dude named​​ Ben Plopper.

 

CHUCK

That sounds tragic.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

It really wasn’t.

 

CHUCK

Oh.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Don’t worry, you’re okay for​​ the next 27 years.

 

CHUCK

(Worried)

That… is a hell of a commitment.

 

POUNDFOOLISH

Not when your live forever.

 

CHUCKPOUNDFOOLISH

(Singing)(Singing)

I could always be afraid of you…I​​ can​​ always​​ cause fear in​​ you….

 

 

THE END

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.